I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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