Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
