That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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