Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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