well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
