today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
