you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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