some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
