he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
