woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
