Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
