And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
