I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
