Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
