Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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