So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
