if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
