We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
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I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
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Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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