The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
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You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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