First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
