She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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