His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
