rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
