Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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