I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
