So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
They took my balls.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
