Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
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Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
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I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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