I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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