Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
