I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
