If that was your dad, he is hot
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
