FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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