Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
