you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
