he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
