I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
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I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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