I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Randomize
