Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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