Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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