remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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