my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
