Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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