is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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