Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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