it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I AM VODKA MAN
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
