You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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