Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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