my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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