The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
