She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
