I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
