I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
