They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
