Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
