Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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