There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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