WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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