I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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